[Charles looks sort of shocked, and barks out a laugh that's a little bit hysterical, because this is his breaking point.] Raven, we can't undo what it's done. It's done. I'm never going to be the person I was before I came here, and I'll be the first to admit that's probably a good thing in a lot of ways. But you don't understand what it cost to get me here. [Because she apparently wasn't listening, and it's that and his frustration and anger and nerves about what the hell is happening to the Barge that lets this all boil over.]
I told you about the Vanquish. The Barge had crashed, and these... creatures grabbed me, threw me into the back of a truck and dragged me into a facility where they used me as a lab rat for drug testing. Hallucinogens, neurotoxins, I honestly don't even know what else. They beat us, tortured us, they refused to give us food or water, and I didn't have my telepathy, I couldn't walk- [His voice breaks, and he puts his hands to the bridge of his nose, taking a breath.] I was there for four days, and I had no idea if I'd ever get out again. I saw them drag one of my friends up by her broken arm to take her away for more torture - I had no idea where they were taking her or if I'd ever see her alive again.
[He has to stop for a moment, voice cracking again, and he takes a slow breath, trying to gather himself enough to just get through this.] Erik found out that I'd been taken, and he risked everything to come find me. Just so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone, because he knew he couldn't get me out. He volunteered himself to go through some of the torture just so I wouldn't have to, because- because he didn't think I'd survive going through more sessions.
[He swallows thickly, blinking rapidly, trying not to draw up the memories.]
The Admiral said that anyone who wasn't back on board by the time repairs were completed would be abandoned there. Erik was willing to risk living through hell again just because I'd been taken, and he might have died there just because I couldn't escape myself. I've never been able to forgive myself for that.
[Never, and he still has nightmares about it, where he's forced to relive watching them lead Erik away while he screams uselessly from the floor, unable to follow or stop them, unable to do anything as Morgana was literally ripped away from his grasp. It's never going to go away, he can never go back to a time where he doesn't remember what it was like to be beaten, starved and tortured.
Another breath, and another long pause before he continues, looking somewhere vaguely off screen instead of at Raven.]
It made me realize how vulnerable I was. Once we got back, I was so depressed, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat and I was terrified all the time about what might happen next time we were trapped somewhere. I learned how to protect myself, but it got worse after we stopped at the Overlook. I felt Erik die-
[And that's his limit, he can't talk about the rest of it, not right now, maybe not ever.
He takes a long, shuddering breath, and rubs his hands over his eyes. They're a little wet, and he's embarrassed and frustrated with himself, because he should be better than this. It's been a year, and he hates that it still has this much sway over him, that he's never going to be able to forget about it, or move on to the point of where it's just a distant, unpleasant memory. Those images are always going to be fresh and awful and lurking just beneath the surface, and he hates it.
It's a long while before he can start talking again.]
Things are better. I know that. It's a good thing I know how to fight and how to be prepared for a crisis, and that I know my telepathy isn't always going to get me out of a dangerous situation, and beyond that I've matured and realized what an idiot I was to treat you the way I did, even if I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. But don't... tell me that I'm better off because I went through all of that. Don't. You have no idea what it's like to have to live with this.
private
I told you about the Vanquish. The Barge had crashed, and these... creatures grabbed me, threw me into the back of a truck and dragged me into a facility where they used me as a lab rat for drug testing. Hallucinogens, neurotoxins, I honestly don't even know what else. They beat us, tortured us, they refused to give us food or water, and I didn't have my telepathy, I couldn't walk- [His voice breaks, and he puts his hands to the bridge of his nose, taking a breath.] I was there for four days, and I had no idea if I'd ever get out again. I saw them drag one of my friends up by her broken arm to take her away for more torture - I had no idea where they were taking her or if I'd ever see her alive again.
[He has to stop for a moment, voice cracking again, and he takes a slow breath, trying to gather himself enough to just get through this.] Erik found out that I'd been taken, and he risked everything to come find me. Just so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone, because he knew he couldn't get me out. He volunteered himself to go through some of the torture just so I wouldn't have to, because- because he didn't think I'd survive going through more sessions.
[He swallows thickly, blinking rapidly, trying not to draw up the memories.]
The Admiral said that anyone who wasn't back on board by the time repairs were completed would be abandoned there. Erik was willing to risk living through hell again just because I'd been taken, and he might have died there just because I couldn't escape myself. I've never been able to forgive myself for that.
[Never, and he still has nightmares about it, where he's forced to relive watching them lead Erik away while he screams uselessly from the floor, unable to follow or stop them, unable to do anything as Morgana was literally ripped away from his grasp. It's never going to go away, he can never go back to a time where he doesn't remember what it was like to be beaten, starved and tortured.
Another breath, and another long pause before he continues, looking somewhere vaguely off screen instead of at Raven.]
It made me realize how vulnerable I was. Once we got back, I was so depressed, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat and I was terrified all the time about what might happen next time we were trapped somewhere. I learned how to protect myself, but it got worse after we stopped at the Overlook. I felt Erik die-
[And that's his limit, he can't talk about the rest of it, not right now, maybe not ever.
He takes a long, shuddering breath, and rubs his hands over his eyes. They're a little wet, and he's embarrassed and frustrated with himself, because he should be better than this. It's been a year, and he hates that it still has this much sway over him, that he's never going to be able to forget about it, or move on to the point of where it's just a distant, unpleasant memory. Those images are always going to be fresh and awful and lurking just beneath the surface, and he hates it.
It's a long while before he can start talking again.]
Things are better. I know that. It's a good thing I know how to fight and how to be prepared for a crisis, and that I know my telepathy isn't always going to get me out of a dangerous situation, and beyond that I've matured and realized what an idiot I was to treat you the way I did, even if I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. But don't... tell me that I'm better off because I went through all of that. Don't. You have no idea what it's like to have to live with this.