permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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Then that's really amazing.

Can I hear you play sometime? I don't know much about music.

[Snow nods.]

I thought of him many times over the years.

I told him some bullshit he didn't want to hear and he got mad and punched me. Look, is it my fault the wires got crossed between our respective universes?

Like what?

I'm not afraid to show people what I really look like.

No, I am afraid. But not enough to stop me.

[She could talk about fear, maybe. But she doesn't want to, doesn't want to talk about making herself small and weak out of fear of mutants, to a mutant, to seem smaller and more fearful. She wants to play sweet with Raven, but - it's too much. So she asks what she actually wants to know, instead.]

What makes it real?

[ Her tongue trips over what to say. Not that she doesn't know the answer, immediately - it's ugly. It's ugly, and it's not what people want to see, and if they accept it, then it means they accept her. Really. She doesn't believe the people who say she's beautiful, not at heart.

And if she tells this girl the truth, then she's exposing a bare and weak part of herself. ]

It's what I am when I'm not trying to be something else. Something that's easier to look at and think about.

[ Ugly, then, is hidden between the words. She is pretty when she looks like a human. She is also easier to think about. ]

[She tries to think about who she is when she isn't trying to be someone else. The answer is, as far as she can tell, sobbing her heart out. There's always a purpose to what she shows and who she presents, even if it's a true part of her, unless she's mid-shatter. She knows the difference between that and full mask, certainly - but she doesn't know what would be left if she peeled every bit away instead of cracking the half-masks open, waited until the storms cleared. Quietly,]

It feels like it's easier, going along with people's assumptions. If you make it easy for them, then you'll have less trouble to deal with. And then you realize you're being so careful you can't breathe.

Best not to. Everyone else always thought they knew the situation better than I did, when they hadn't seen or felt any of it.

[Bitter? Yes, he is. Even at Max.]

That's what I've tried, but what if people needed the you who was still in a cage?

And who told you that?

...no one. But I never got very good grades in school.

[ She nods, tightly, the look on her face agonized. ]

I was the girl who could be anyone except herself.

I want the trouble, now. It's worth it.

[I'd take that, she thinks immediately, fierce and bitter. How often had she dreamed about that? Walking away and becoming someone new, someone with no father and no past, someone who would roam the world and didn't need anyone else. Anyone would be better than the worthless, cringing obesiant thing she'd had to dwell inside of.

She doesn't show her anger.]

You won't get much. No one stays normal here for very long, one way or another. And people generally have enough problems of their own to worry about dictating to anyone else.

[We're all mad here, she thinks. That would be a fun part to play.]

'Grades' cover one very narrow category of intelligence. [An eyebrow creeps up.] And I can't help but wonder if you had bigger things than your education to worry about in the classroom.

[I.e. not spontaneously turning blue.]

Something like that.

I didn't know I could ask before here.

Then they just have to handle themselves. You should put what you need before what other people need, even if you put what they want before what you want.

What if they're family, and they can't?

They have to. How can you take care of someone else if you can't take care of yourself first?

Do you feel better now? [He knows she doesn't, not if he can find her crying like this.]

I felt better until I found out that apparently I hurt him.

[ And maybe they're tears of frustration as much as anything else, because she just wants to be okay. She just wants to be happy and feel like she deserves it and she never even comes close. ]

I started learning.

He wasn't there for you?

No, but what you said is probably your fault.

Whatever. I should've known you'd take his side!

[ In a lot of ways, Anya's response is a little bewildering. Raven doesn't expect people to be violent about it here. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't change things. ]

People still react. They still want you to be something, even if they aren't going to take the time and effort to tell you what they want.

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