permutates: (04)
Raven Darkholme | Mystique ([personal profile] permutates) wrote2013-10-20 11:29 am
Entry tags:

video . 9th transformation

[ private to anya, earlier ]

I heard that you were Magneto's daughter.

I guess I think you should know that I know.

[ public, later ]

[ The camera shows the teaching annexe, swings past a few doors and settles on a stretch of wall where - well, there's a door. And beyond is a place where something should probably be. Should definitely be, for anyone who knows the location of the ice rink. Instead, there's a block of blank concrete, behind the open door. ]

The rink is gone.

[ She's heard the voices, over the speakers. She sounds shaky. ]

What's happening?
wedonot: (I'm very serious.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-23 03:25 am (UTC)(link)
Well, [He tries to control his voice, make this less of an accusation and more of a polite request.] I am glad you believe me, finally. I wish I was lying about this place, Raven, and it hurt to think you didn't believe me that it was dangerous, or didn't care about- [He doesn't want to say it.] What it's done to me.

[Because he knows he's different, in good ways and bad. But he still wishes it hadn't come at such a cost.]

But honestly, I don't want you to be anything you don't want to be. I don't. You deserve to be your own person, and you don't have to try and mold yourself to be something you're not. You're my sister, and I'm always going to love you. You don't have to worry about being good enough for me, or anyone. I'd just appreciate... more understanding.
wedonot: (I remember.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-23 04:39 am (UTC)(link)
[Charles looks sort of shocked, and barks out a laugh that's a little bit hysterical, because this is his breaking point.] Raven, we can't undo what it's done. It's done. I'm never going to be the person I was before I came here, and I'll be the first to admit that's probably a good thing in a lot of ways. But you don't understand what it cost to get me here. [Because she apparently wasn't listening, and it's that and his frustration and anger and nerves about what the hell is happening to the Barge that lets this all boil over.]

I told you about the Vanquish. The Barge had crashed, and these... creatures grabbed me, threw me into the back of a truck and dragged me into a facility where they used me as a lab rat for drug testing. Hallucinogens, neurotoxins, I honestly don't even know what else. They beat us, tortured us, they refused to give us food or water, and I didn't have my telepathy, I couldn't walk- [His voice breaks, and he puts his hands to the bridge of his nose, taking a breath.] I was there for four days, and I had no idea if I'd ever get out again. I saw them drag one of my friends up by her broken arm to take her away for more torture - I had no idea where they were taking her or if I'd ever see her alive again.

[He has to stop for a moment, voice cracking again, and he takes a slow breath, trying to gather himself enough to just get through this.] Erik found out that I'd been taken, and he risked everything to come find me. Just so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone, because he knew he couldn't get me out. He volunteered himself to go through some of the torture just so I wouldn't have to, because- because he didn't think I'd survive going through more sessions.

[He swallows thickly, blinking rapidly, trying not to draw up the memories.]

The Admiral said that anyone who wasn't back on board by the time repairs were completed would be abandoned there. Erik was willing to risk living through hell again just because I'd been taken, and he might have died there just because I couldn't escape myself. I've never been able to forgive myself for that.

[Never, and he still has nightmares about it, where he's forced to relive watching them lead Erik away while he screams uselessly from the floor, unable to follow or stop them, unable to do anything as Morgana was literally ripped away from his grasp. It's never going to go away, he can never go back to a time where he doesn't remember what it was like to be beaten, starved and tortured.

Another breath, and another long pause before he continues, looking somewhere vaguely off screen instead of at Raven.]


It made me realize how vulnerable I was. Once we got back, I was so depressed, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat and I was terrified all the time about what might happen next time we were trapped somewhere. I learned how to protect myself, but it got worse after we stopped at the Overlook. I felt Erik die-

[And that's his limit, he can't talk about the rest of it, not right now, maybe not ever.

He takes a long, shuddering breath, and rubs his hands over his eyes. They're a little wet, and he's embarrassed and frustrated with himself, because he should be better than this. It's been a year, and he hates that it still has this much sway over him, that he's never going to be able to forget about it, or move on to the point of where it's just a distant, unpleasant memory. Those images are always going to be fresh and awful and lurking just beneath the surface, and he hates it.

It's a long while before he can start talking again.]


Things are better. I know that. It's a good thing I know how to fight and how to be prepared for a crisis, and that I know my telepathy isn't always going to get me out of a dangerous situation, and beyond that I've matured and realized what an idiot I was to treat you the way I did, even if I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. But don't... tell me that I'm better off because I went through all of that. Don't. You have no idea what it's like to have to live with this.
wedonot: (All the sad times. :c)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-23 02:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Not with this, Raven. [It's quiet, apologetic, because he doesn't want to revisit this in that kind of detail. It's hard enough sometimes to cope with it when things get stressful and dangerous, and he can feel the unsteady hum of tension and fear and frustration amongst the people on board. It's unsettling, and it sets him on edge.]

I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to see that.
wedonot: (Listening.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-23 02:46 pm (UTC)(link)
And I'm really glad to hear that Raven, honestly. But sharing this wouldn't be a one way street, and I don't like revisiting those memories unless I have to.
wedonot: (Killing will not bring you peace.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-24 12:02 am (UTC)(link)
It isn't that simple. They're connected, there's no real getting around that.
wedonot: (Eyebrow.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-24 12:13 am (UTC)(link)
Fine.

[And there is a knock on your door!]
wedonot: (You're a little old for Goodnight Moon.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-24 12:23 am (UTC)(link)
[Charles is stiff and reluctant at first, mostly because he's confused and hurting and not entirely certain where this is going, but even though he freezes for a second or two when she leans on him, he melts into it quickly.

He's missed this. A lot. And while there's a part of him that's wondering if this is just her attempt at making him happy, of convincing him that she wants to be the friend she thinks he wants her to be, he can't help it. He actually sort of wants to lean on her.]


Do you want me to?
wedonot: (Trying to listen.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-24 12:58 am (UTC)(link)
[It is different - it feels like she's grown up, and he wonders briefly what it would be like for someone else to judge how his mind has changed. Erik has explained that his mental touch feels familiar and comforting to him, but he and Raven just won't be able to give him the same detailed description of his mental scape that he might be able to get from theirs.

Alright, he thinks, and he lets the tentative connection get a little stronger, although it's more like he's resting his hand on the surface of a pond, not quite breaching it or diving in. But there's contact, and it's firm and present, even if he's still respecting her boundaries. I don't know where to start.]
wedonot: (Power down.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-27 06:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[He missed this. God, he'd missed it, and the warmth of the good memories make his eyes prick with tears, because it's good to know - to really know - that she doesn't hate him, that every memory was painful and bad, and his chest and throat feel tight.

He shifts carefully, not trying to pull away, but reorient himself so he can put his head on her shoulder, curling into her and trying not to just break down and sob. It's because he's relieved more than anything else, and he doesn't have it in him right now to be embarrassed about looking for comfort from his little sister.]
wedonot: (Between rage and serenity.)

private

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-10-28 03:48 am (UTC)(link)
[Whatever resolve he had left splinters and then cracks. The tears come, and they're followed by shaky sobs that he can't even try to stifle completely. He'll feel embarrassed about it later, probably, because he doesn't like to show his flaws and weaknesses where anyone can see, but right now, he can't stop it.

He hates this place because it's done so much damage to him and the people he loves, but it gave him a second chance with Erik and now with Raven, something he'd never thought was possible back home, and he's confused and angry and grateful all at once.

She didn't hate him. She didn't think he'd only tried to hurt her, that even now, he wanted her to be something that she wasn't, and he projects that he loves her, even when she's angry and confused, that it's alright to be both of those things. Anger is just another emotion, and it's perfectly fine to feel it in response to injustice, or fear or hurt. He just doesn't want her to let it destroy her, but he'll always, always love her, and he wants to make sure she knows that.

Erik might be the other half of his soul, and they might both have a larger sense of the word "family" than they did before they met him and the others, but Raven was still his sister, the person he'd grown up with and cherished and been frustrated by and fiercely loved. That was a bond that would always be special and unique and utterly irreplaceable, and he wants nothing more than to find some middle ground again. He missed her.]
wedonot: (Power down.)

oh this has been spam for a while whoops

[personal profile] wedonot 2013-11-01 04:52 am (UTC)(link)
[He closes his eyes and drinks in the emotion like a plant desperate for water. It's rare for him to ask for comfort like this, even though he probably needs it more than people realize, including himself. But it's good, to hear that she does understand parts of this, that she doesn't hate him.

Eventually, he manages a sort of stuffy sniff and scrubs his hand over his eyes, trying to pull himself together.

He still isn't pulling away from her, though.]


I'm sorry. Thank you, for sharing that with me.

[And although she's given him permission to be honest and open with his powers with her, there's still a wall that's gone up, keeping the dark memories safely tucked away from where she can see them. "Talking" is easier than just filtering everything across.] I am glad that we've been given this chance, Raven. I just wish it could have happened another way. I'm afraid of what's coming, and I don't want you hurt the same way we have been.

[There's a flicker of something - a memory - but he nudges it aside quickly. This has to be different.]