01st transformation . video . locks for erik & charles

[permutates]

[ She greets the barge with a smile. Her appearance is 'normal' - normal for a human. No blue skin or yellow eyes in sight. ]

Hi. [ And a little wave. She regrets it immediately. That's kind of embarrassing, isn't it? And not something that she should be doing, because she's here for a purpose. ] I'm Raven.

I heard a few of my friends were here, so I thought I'd come… help. I'm a warden.

And I'm here because I really believe that even if you're trapped, you still should have a chance to figure out who you are. I think that's important.

[ locked to Erik ]

Well, you thought I was crazy for trying, but I found you.

[ locked to Charles ]

[ She considered her approach to this for a long time. There are a lot of things that they should probably say to each other, and she's supposed to be responsible here. She can't just avoid him, as much as she wants to, while she gets her head together. ]

You should know that I'm here.

Comments

[fridgetothefire]

[She knows he's powerful. But he has zero presence, not compared to Magneto enthroned, actual lightning in his hands, obsession crackling off every sinew. One of the only things she has ever really asked of Charles is that he push her harder.

She doesn't know what the first part of Raven's statement has to do with the second. But she knows what it's like to feel as though you aren't really there.]

He ignored you?

[It's like looking at a duck-rabbit illusion, trying to imagine Charles that way. He certainly doesn't see her quite as she wants to be seen, but she can't imagine him wielding the kind of callous dismissal she grew up with.]

[permutates]

He loved me.

[Which is why it's all so hard to explain. The fact that he loved her made it worse. It meant she kept reasoning it out, telling herself that he knew best, and that she should be happy for him whenever he accomplished something new. Whenever he got a little more life, and a little more achievement, and she spent another day smiling at strangers and carrying food and clinging to her control with fear bleating under every movement.]

Sometimes I thought I didn't exist at all, except to him.

[fridgetothefire]

I...don't understand why that's bad.

[She would have given so much, for just one person who treated her like she was real, like she mattered. For her mother to look at her face instead of the ceiling. She can't quite keep the longing out of her voice.

When she and Erik where both telepathic, he got lost in her. Anya cannot be overwhelmed, only shut out, does not drown in anyone but herself. It's not a fear she comprehends.]

[permutates]

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, if he'd -

[Accepted her, as she really was, instead of preferring her the fake way. Needed her back, as much as he apparently needed Erik. She shakes her head.]

I don't know what else to say to explain it.

[fridgetothefire]

You were about to say something.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want. You barely know me, that's fair. But you don't have to lie.

[permutates]

I don't know how. I mean - I don't know what to say. It seems pointless to talk about how it might have been different.

He made me feel like if I wasn't hiding, there was something wrong with me. And he meant it to protect me, but every day it felt like it strangled me a little more.

[fridgetothefire]

Might-have-beens are...kind of a staple around here, actually.

[And then quietly, utterly honest,]

That doesn't sound like love to me.

[permutates]

I know it's not right. That's all I know. Mostly I don't even know whose fault it is.

But I know people can hurt each other even when they care, especially when one is so much more powerful. And I thought that a warden who knows that could maybe be worth something. When I decided to come here.

[fridgetothefire]

I hope you're right.

[And this is sincere, wan smile and all.]

My father...he was powerful, too. But he didn't care. He thought he did, but it wasn't...he didn't see me. He'd do anything to protect his idea of his children, but he didn't listen to us or look at us. It was just selfish, it was about him not losing anyone else, not about us actually being okay. Because we weren't. And he didn't care.

[permutates]

Didn't care or wouldn't see?

[fridgetothefire]

Didn't care, and therefore didn't bother to look.

[She laughs, the kind of rough dry laughter that is a bulwark against other reactions, and has no joy in it.]

Sometimes literally.

[permutates]

Are you angry about it?

[fridgetothefire]

I was, for a long time. I guess I still am. I try not to dwell on him.

[It's...difficult. His fingerprints are baked deep into her clay, and even if she could scrape them all off, she'd have the barge's love of ghosts and reflections to deal with.]

[permutates]

I'm angry a lot. Even times when I know people don't deserve it.

It's - hard.

[fridgetothefire]

I hurt people who didn't deserve it, because I was so angry, and scared.

That's why I'm here.

[She wonders if Raven will find this sympathetic. She means it as a warning.]

[permutates]

I hope I don't do that.

But I can understand why you did.

[She takes it as somewhere in between those two.]

[fridgetothefire]

Do better than hope.

[It's not harsh, just - brusque. Anya is a pragmatist. She raises an eyebrow, lightens it a little.]

You're a role model now, you know.

[permutates]

...that'll take a little getting used to.

[fridgetothefire]

[She smiles a little at that, wan but sweet.]

Good luck.

[permutates]

Thanks.

Do you know anyone else here? Like Alex?

[fridgetothefire]

I've been stuck here for the last seven months. I know pretty much everybody, by face if not interaction.

Alex is a friend, I guess.

[permutates]

He's a good guy.

But you've... probably known him longer than me.

[fridgetothefire]

He taught me how to make hamburgers.

[Yes, he is.]

Are you guys friends?

[permutates]

I think so, but a lot's happened. Maybe not.

If not, I'll miss him.

[fridgetothefire]

Like what?

[She knows enough to put together a very good guess. But there's something real to the sad, uncomprehending curiosity in her voice. Friends are so precious to her. She hadn't been able to cut Junko off for anything less than actual, excruciating murder, and even that they've recovered from, more or less.]