permutates | 3rd transformation . gift spam & text

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3rd transformation . gift spam & text

[ gift spam ]

[ She leaves a few gifts outside doors, after port.

First, for Charles, a Cheshire Cat that she won in an arcade game. They saw Alice in Wonderland for the first time together. Cheshire was always Raven's favorite. She doesn't leave a note. She suspects he'll know it's her.

For Alex, a blue furry monster, from something called Monsters University. It reminds her a little of Hank. This one is an impulse; she just leaves it by his door, unable to think of anything to say in a note.

For Erik, she leaves several vials of metal glitter. This one has a note: Thought you might find this fun. - Mystique ]

[ text ]

Would anyone be willing to teach dancing or gymnastics?

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[He stops, irrationally hurt by the tenseness. He's not sure how to move forward with this, and awkwardly reaches for something to say.]

I'm sorry I missed you. Did you have a good time?

[ It's not that she dislikes him being near. It's - it's a lot of things. ]

It was all right. [ Would have been better with you. ] I made a couple friends.

I saw the Cheshire Cat and I thought of you.

[ She'd been thinking of him anyway. ]

I appreciate it. He's very cute. [And again, he is prominently displayed in his room so. Next time you come over. :c

He's not really sure what to say - he had wished she was there, but at the same time, he wondered if it was better that they hadn't crossed paths, because things were just so... weird between them now, and no matter what Erik said, he still wondered if she did think he was some sort of monster - but he doesn't want to leave, either.]

I wish- [He stumbles, grasping for something to say.] It's too bad we never went when we were younger. I mean, obviously it wasn't built when we were kids, but it still might have been nice.

We did enough.

[ It's not a rejection - it would have been nice. ]

I remember the department stores around Christmas... and skating. [ She would be the one dragging him skating. She loved it. ]

Do you remember we went on a Ferris wheel, once?

[ At a fair, in America. She remembers. It was a long time ago, though. ]

Of course I remember. [He sounds almost amused that she has to ask, but there's some surprise there, too. There were certainly ways their childhood could have been improved, but there were plenty of good memories.]

We had to talk Mother into letting us go.

[ It felt, in retrospect, like a minor memory - a little blip, something easily forgotten. But it had been a big deal to her. It had felt like she could see forever, even though she knew that her world was just a little bubble - a snow globe, and the rest of the hostile universe trapped outside. ]

She thought we'd run into ruffians.

Because you're constantly in danger of being mugged when you're twelve and at a county fair. [She'd probably been concerned about it not being proper, or just didn't want to have to drive them herself or make their stepfather do it, but they'd gone and they'd had fun. What was better than that?]

I don't know, the guy operating the Ferris wheel seemed a little ruffian to me...

We made it home in one piece, didn't we?

...yeah. We did.

[ Notwithstanding that heart-stopping moment at the top, the only time she'd had a second of vertigo instead of thrill.

But, being with Charles...

She hadn't been that scared.

How she misses feeling like that - and it shows, a transparent moment of just pure ache for what she was. Why did she have to mess everything up? Why couldn't she just have been happy? ]

Raven- [He has to stop himself from reaching out to her, as much as he wants to, because he's not sure she'll want it, doesn't know if she'll accept any kind of comfort from him after what happened.]

What's wrong?

I miss... being like that.

[ The words are hard to force out. And they're not quite what she means, but - close enough. ]

I miss it, too. [But they were different people now. They'd grown up, and they'd both been hurt, and it seemed like neither one was really sure what to do now.

He definitely still wants to try to find some sort of compromise, though.]

It doesn't have to be exactly the way it was, but... [He trails off, trying to choose his words carefully.] Maybe it can be something better.

Edited 2013-08-07 04:42 (UTC)

No.

[ Tears are really threatening now. She hates it, crying at everything this way. It makes her feel so weak. ]

Because... then I didn't know better. I only knew worse. So it was perfect. And that's not right. All I wanted was you, I thought you were all I needed, but you didn't - you reached out to the world. Maybe that's just not fair of me.

[ Okay, that's better. She's steadying out now. Not quite on the edge of crying anymore. ]

I know it hurts, but I can't go back to being close to you, because I have to know that there are pieces of me that aren't just - you. That I can be good without it being because of you, and that I can be bad without it being despite you.

[ She's been thinking about it. A lot. And these aren't quite the words she rehearsed in her head, but it's close. It's not dissolving before she manages to say it. ]

[It hurts, and he can't really hide that it does, even if he wants to. He wants to tell her that it's not true, that they should be able to find something to fix this, but he can't.

It's something she has to realize and accept on her own, and he can't force it to happen faster, or at all. He'd said he'd respect her decision if she didn't want anything to do with him anymore, and evidently he needed to start actually doing that.

At least there was some part of her that could recognize when things had been good.]

Alright. I'm sorry to bother you.

Charles!

[ She catches his hand. ]

I came here because of Erik. But I want to stay because it might be my best chance to find out who I am. I'll stay for Erik, but I'll stay for me too. It's -

This is good. Really. [ She pulls back, sniffing. It's a step forward. Forward, not just "away from Charles", and it feels right to her, to set this boundary, this fence between them. She just doesn't want to dig it too deep, or build it too high. ]

It's something you can't give me, and I don't think Erik or even Angel or Azazel could either. A place where I can be Mystique, without having to run or hide or fight all the time. [ Because when in her life has she not been doing one of those three? ]

[He can't help it - he flinches and almost tries to pull away when she says that, that she'll stay for Erik and for herself, but not for him, or Alex, that this opportunity is good, when all it's done is wear him down and leave him broken in ways he's not sure if he'll ever really want to confront. There's a part of him that wants to scream at her, because this isn't a place where he's been free from running or hiding or fighting, and there's a part of him that resents that she doesn't seem to care. That again, she was walking away from him when he needed support.

Yes, he can walk again, and yes, his relationship with Erik had been repaired, was probably even stronger than it had been before, and he wouldn't trade that, but the price he'd paid for it had changed him, and he wasn't sure it was for the better.

So it feels less like a fence, and more like a trench - something muddy and barbed and painful that he wasn't eager to cross again. He's already been hurt too many times, and if she doesn't care, he has to stay back. He loves her, but the people he loves are often the ones who can't (won't, don't want to) stay.]

I'm happy for you Raven, honestly. I want you to feel good about yourself. And I meant what I said before: if you don't want me in your life anymore, I'll respect that. I won't bother you again. [He gives her hand a final gentle squeeze, trying to say it was okay (even though there's a part of him almost shrieking that it's not, it's really, really not) before pulling away.

He can't force a smile this time, though.]

You're lying.

[ He doesn't understand. How can he not understand? They were part of each other for so long, and the only way they could ever be anything like that again is if she has the confidence to stay herself. Otherwise, it'll be just her disappearing again.

Does he want that? Would he rather things just be simple again, even at a cost?

She doesn't want to believe that about him, but - it's been years for him. It hasn't been nearly that long for her. What does he expect?

She wipes the tears away. ]

And you're not listening. [ Or just not hearing what she wants him to hear. ] If I didn't want you in my life I'd just tell you to go. But you keep - why can't you understand? Or is it that you can't understand someone if you can't read their mind?

[ This last is too mean, too angry, and she regrets it the instant it emerges. ]

[He opens his mouth, and it almost feels like he's about to start yelling at her that she hasn't been listening either, that it would help if she'd trusted him enough to use his own ability responsibly if she wanted him to extend the same sort of trust to her after she used to do stupid things like change her eye color to make a point and piss him off in front of a pretty girl, but he stops himself and reaches for some sort of calm, letting out a frustrated breath instead.]

Raven, I have no idea what you want from me. And I'm not lying, I just don't know what you want me to do. I don't want you to hate me because you feel like you have to define yourself by constantly comparing yourself to me - I don't want Erik to do that either, I can't believe you think I just want everyone to be happy little clones of me, and anything else is just unacceptable. [And there the hurt and anger does shine through a little, because he just can't handle that she thinks so little of him.]

I don't understand what I did to make you think so poorly of me. I want you to be happy and confident in yourself, and if I'm- if I have been and will continue to get in the way of that, I'm more than happy to give you the space you need. But it's not really fair for you to say we can't ever be close again, and then tell me you do still want me in your life.

Anything else is just harder.

[ How she wishes she could just turn off these emotions - anger, betrayal, pain - and just talk about this. But without emotions she never would have gotten herself into this mess in the first place. ]

I didn't say we couldn't be ever close again. I mean if you want to be close again, you have to let me go now.

Why is this so hard this time? Why are you so angry? You let me go when you were injured, and now, two years later, I'm supposed to think you need me more than you did then?

I did need you then! [That's a shout, because he can't believe this, that this is where the miscommunication was coming from.] I was shot in the back, Raven, I couldn't feel my legs! You have no idea how hard it was to wake up in the hospital and realize I'd never be able to walk again, or run, or stand up or wiggle my toes or anything, and that two people I loved more than anything else were gone, too. And apparently, that they thought I wasn't even worth checking in with to make sure I hadn't died, after you left us stranded with the people who'd just tried to kill all of us. There were months where I was so depressed, I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, I felt worthless-

[His eyes are wet, and he cuts himself off with a shuddery breath.] Things would have been so much easier if you'd both been there, for all of us.

[Spoilers: this is why Alex was so pissed at you. B(

He rubs his hands over his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm down.]

I told you to leave because you wanted to go. If I'd asked you to stay, you'd just have resented me, because you wanted the chance to go out on your own and make your own choices, which is a good thing. I don't want you to do things just because I'd do them, or Erik would or whatever. That isn't fair. I'm trying to do the same thing here, and all you're doing is telling me how awful I am for doing it, and for doing all sorts of things I've never even considered. All I want is for you to be happy. I don't want you to feel stifled or unloved or like you aren't getting the respect you deserve.

Edited 2013-08-08 02:01 (UTC)

I wanted you to need me.

[ It's sobs, now; she's breathless with the effort of keeping everything back, and her body shakes, tightly. She knew this was wrong; she's reasoned out why it was wrong, that she thought she and Charles were everything. Because she wasn't everything to him. So she has to reach out: she has to become part of the world, because there's nowhere else to go.

But what she wanted, first, above all else, was just Charles. ]

I would have - I never wore the helmet - Cerebro - you could have called, I would have come, all I wanted was for you to need me as much as I needed you.

[ She'd wanted him all to herself. She can't have that, she knows it's not right to want it, it's better to stand up, be strong, be independent, but it's just so hard. ]

Raven- [He wants to reach out to her, to hold her and comfort her and tell her that everything's going to be okay, and he gets as far as reaching out his hand to her before he drops it. He's not sure how to begin to fix this, and his own anger and frustration and deep sense of loss suddenly feel very far away.]

I do need you. You're my sister, of course I need you. But it's not- it's not healthy to rely on only one person that much. I know we didn't really have the best opportunities growing up, [Money didn't buy you happiness, or parents who loved you, or friends who could understand why there were just some things they could never know about.] but I don't want you to feel like you're nothing without me, because you aren't, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like that wasn't true. You're capable of so much, and I should have realized I was holding you back. It wasn't intentional.

[Now more than ever, he feels like he's completely failed her. She probably would be better off if he'd just severed the ties, and he looks and sounds defeated.]

I just want you to be happy.

I know, I - I can't, Charles, I have to go.

[ She pulls away abruptly, then, because she can't do it anymore. The flood of her own emotions is overwhelming her. She can't talk about this reasonably, and so she might as well not talk about this at all.

She heads for the greenhouse. ]

[Part of him wants to stop her. He wishes he could just tell her what she needed to hear, that there was some perfect solution that would just fix this, but there wasn't, and he has to let her go.

It doesn't stop him from feeling sort of hollow, though. There's no denying how much it hurts.]

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3rd transformation . gift spam & text

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