permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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Charles hurt me so much, and sometimes I hate him for it, and I think he deserved to be left behind. And sometimes I think that everything that's good in me came from him, and I can't ever repay him for that because there's not enough of me left.

[ She wipes away some more tears. ]

He was so good to me. So maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Is that how you feel? [It's easy enough to ignore the thanks, to hold to the conversation. She can be terribly stubborn.]

[ She meets Morgana's eyes. ] Sometimes I think everything that's worthwhile about me came from him.

[ Her gaze drops. ]

It's not his fault. [ Which means it must be hers, doesn't it? It has to be someone's. ]

[She hesitates, but tells the truth.]

Yes. A lot of the time.

There's nothing wrong with you.

[Of everything she's said, he feels that's the important part. That's the thing she needs to know. His hand drops to the back of her neck, and he kneads lightly with his fingers.]

He didn't make you, Raven. He didn't make you good, or bad, and I know he never meant to hurt you. You're just yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[ Not an easy choice. She would rather nobody know. She would rather not be the kind of person who breaks down into tears for no reason. She would rather her feelings just be calmer.

But this is someone she trusts. For whatever reason. He reminds her of Erik: troubled, but with something at heart right about him.

She shifts over, leaving a little room on the bench beside her. ]

You can ask. But I don't really have an answer.

[ She sniffs, and wipes her eyes. ]

That's it: he never meant to. He meant the best. So that makes it better, right?

[ No. In her mind, it makes it much worse, because she doesn't have any enemy to fight. She doesn't have someone to push away and feel good about. ]

[ There's laughter in her voice. ] ...is that something you've realized for the first time, or is it just an observation?

[Well Morgana is very good about assigning blame. She doesn't miss a beat.]

Why do you think that?

It's a good thing to be self-sufficient. But I hope you aren't alone-- have more than one friend, too.

[Oh. That's. Actually a really good point.]

It could still blow up in my face.

Thank you.

[She takes a deep breath.]

Yes. I died. But someone told me everything worked out. And the man who took the power will use it well.

I wish I could have seen flowers there. But I'd do it again.

It makes it harder. But not worse. [Because he knows worse, he really does, but he understands that doesn't mean this is easy for her.]

If you're not busy, I would love to.

[Stark takes up the seat beside her unceremoniously. He doesn't do any of that hugging thing because non-violent contact is still something he's somewhat forgotten how to do. It's on the list. He's, at least, gotten the swing of using doors. Keys are next. Then hugs.]

Okay.

You're free to make something up. You know, get as wild as you want. Like...

I don't know, your favorite TV show got cancelled or you went down into the kitchen to get a snack and found out someone at the last bag of chips already. Or, even better, you've discovered that laundry ninjas have left you with an uneven number of socks.

Those aren't the sort of experiences that can ever get old.

...This isn't even the first time I've lived in a place full of people, though it's not me usual way of doing things. I'm a traveller, an adventuress. I 'ave to stand on deck every night watching the stars or I get itchy inside me 'ead. It's the first time I've found such a concentration of fascinating, brilliant people all in one place, though. That's really what keeps me 'ere. That and there's always work that needs doing.

It can help you understand what's upsetting you, if you get it out in the open.

[She realizes even as she's saying it that she's parroting more than one shrink from her earlier days at Arkham, back when she was actually upset about things and not just suffused with rage. It wasn't good advice for her, but maybe for Raven...]

But you don't have to. I'm not going anywhere.

Because he thought he was doing the right thing.

I do. Now, I do.

It's possible to loathe cookies by association.

If you're honest and you really like her? Her, not something you want her to be - I don't think it can go that badly.

That's... really brave.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

[ She's drained. Exhausted and just sad, now, but the gentle kind of sad, not the violent, upset kind. ]

It's always opposites. When I'm happy, I'm sad. When I'm calm, I'm still angry. When I'm angry, I feel better - but only for a little while.

[ This makes her smile a little, though disrupted by another hiccup/sob. ]

Maybe I ripped my favorite sweater.

What you mean is you don't look down on people, even though you've lived so long. They're still people to you, even though you're... larger than them, sometimes.

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