5th transformation . spam & open video

[permutates]

[ spam ]

[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

Comments

[itstopped]

[He hesitates, always a little awkward with sympathy.] Well, anyway, this last port... that was the first time. Earth.

[permutates]

It was Earth about fifty years after I left it. It was... pretty amazing, for me. So I guess it was a lot more for you.

[itstopped]

Well, technologically speaking, it was actually pretty far behind where I grew up-- no offense. But in other ways...

[He's got that poker face, and it doesn't let much through now, not with a total stranger that happens to be blue, but something softens around his eyes, a faint curve to his lips.] Yeah. It was... it was nice to feel the sun again, if nothing else. [But obviously, it's more than that; it's not as if other ports haven't had suns.]

[permutates]

That doesn't matter, does it? I'd be pretty amazed if I walked out into ancient Rome.

[itstopped]

Point taken, I think.

[And he nods slowly, although he doesn't quite look at her now.] It was good. I'm glad we got to go.

--And that's a first, too.

[permutates]

You don't like it here?

[itstopped]

I haven't, historically, been the Admiral's biggest fan.

[permutates]

I don't blame you.

[itstopped]

But... [Gods, he's not enjoying this particular bit of work. He rubs the back of his neck, leans his head on his hand.] I... can't say it's been all bad here. Once in a blue moon, something good happens.

[permutates]

Good.

It shouldn't be all bad. I mean, I hope the wardens help. I'm not sure how much I like how the Admiral chooses. Or what he does.

[itstopped]

I'm not too sure of that, either. And don't get me wrong: the separation of wardens and inmates still seems to be almost completely frakking arbitrary to me, except that one group has power over the other and likes to pretend they don't. I'm not saying anyone helped me because they were a warden, or my warden, or... anything like that.

[But. He drops his hand to his leg and rubs at his knee, a nervous habit he technically doesn't need anymore, if ever he did.]

[permutates]

But they helped anyway.

[itstopped]

Some people, who happen to be wardens, have helped me. Some people who happen to be wardens have been... [Total douchebags.] ...less helpful.

[permutates]

[ She snorts. ]

You mean you hated them.

[itstopped]

I... [Yes, he starts to say, but that's straying from his original goal. Loved some of them, too, he almost says instead. Love some of them, present tense. But that's all in the midst of exploding, along with the rest of his personal life, and here it is: this attempt to find meaning in this place with or without them at his side. In the memories he has of them, if nothing else.]

...a few, yes. I mean, most aren't all that good or all that bad, they're just dishonest.

[permutates]

Dishonest seems pretty bad to me.

[itstopped]

There are degrees of dishonesty, I've discovered.

[permutates]

Well - yes.

[itstopped]

So it stands to reason that some are worse than others. Some wardens know why they're here, and some don't. Or won't admit to it.

[permutates]

I guess so.

[itstopped]

Do you?

[permutates]

Do I what?

[itstopped]

Do you know why you're here?

[permutates]

[ A pause. ]

I know why I came here. I... the rest might take a little thought.