5th transformation . spam & open video

[permutates]

[ spam ]

[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

Comments

Spam

[permutates]

I came here thinking I might see you, actually.

[ A sniffle, and a little half-laugh. ] The crying was from something else, though.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

[Dryly:] Well, I'm glad it wasn't from the thought of my company.

[But then she calms, looking across at Raven. She wouldn't have left it hanging open like that if she didn't want Ivy to pry.]

What was it?

Spam

[permutates]

Charles.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

Taking care of you. Always knowing best.

Though maybe that's been going on a little too long.

Spam

[permutates]

A lot too long.

It's my fault.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

What makes it your fault?

Spam

[permutates]

It has to be, doesn't it? If so many people think I'm just abandoning Charles when he needs me.

[ She half believes this and hates herself for it, and half is so angry about it she can barely speak. ]

Re: Spam

[chlorophylliac]

You've depended on him so long that he's come to depend on you in return, and now you've found it in yourself to step away, he's stumbling. Eventually he'll adjust, and either you'll choose to reconcile with him on your own terms, or you won't and he'll have learned to stand alone.

At best, neither of you are to blame; at worst, you both are. But tell me why it's useful to apportion blame at all.

Re: Spam

[permutates]

I... don't know.

[ The simple, clear way that Ivy puts it is strange. It has Raven thinking about it from a new angle. ]

I don't know about useful. But he hurts so much that it makes me think I should just stop, and be what he wants instead.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

[She wonders how much of this is Charles genuinely wanting to mould her into something specific and how much of it is Raven misinterpreting his motives. But it doesn't really matter for the purposes of this conversation.]

That'll work for now. But in six months, one year, two - you'll resent him. He'll feel guilty. He'll push you away because he'll think it's what you need. You'll feel rejected and he'll feel like his influence on you is toxic. That kind of hurt is a lot more complicated.

Spam

[permutates]

That's already what's happening! What already happened.

Re: Spam

[chlorophylliac]

Then you're far past the point where forcibly moulding yourself into what you think he wants you to be is going to be useful to either of you. Mystique -

[She reaches across, cupping the younger woman's cheek in one hand.]

Think of this as if it's something physical. You've both been torn open. It will hurt. But it'll heal.

Re: Spam

[permutates]

[ She releases a long breath. This makes it seem simpler, and it lines up with what her instincts tell her. ]

Every time I think about it, I start crying.

Re: Spam

[chlorophylliac]

[She sighs softly and strokes her thumb along Raven's cheekbone in a soft, soothing motion.]

It'll get better once you accept that this is something that has to happen.

Spam

[permutates]

I have. I just want him to understand.

[ But the emotions that caused the tears have been interrupted, cracked by the flutter-beat of Raven's heart. It's like how she felt when Erik was close, when his lips pressed against hers. ]

...then I don't have to worry about him and me at the same time.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

I don't doubt that Charles is doing all the worrying about himself that needs to be done. You can let yourself be selfish for a while.

Spam

[permutates]

[ She smiles, a little. ]

Thank you.

Re: Spam

[chlorophylliac]

[Ivy smiles faintly and gives Raven's shoulders a slight squeeze.]

You're welcome.

Spam

[permutates]

How's the greenhouse doing?

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

Very well, thank you. [Dryly:] I somehow seem to be managing even after its designated supervisor disappeared.

Spam

[permutates]

[ A startled blink. ]

...do you want me to make sure there won't be another one? I mean. I could be the supervisor.

Unless they need someone actually qualified.

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

[Ivy half-smiles.]

No, it's alright. I can ignore his successor just as easily.

...Though I would be happy to teach you, if you'd like to learn.

Spam

[permutates]

I'm not a great student.

[ It's a reflexive dismissal. Charles is the smart one. She isn't. ]

Spam

[chlorophylliac]

If you're willing to show up and listen then once again, you're ahead of the majority.

Spam

[permutates]

I'm not very smart.