permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

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[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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He needed the people who walked away from him. [For a moment, his jaw locks, then he exhales slowly through his nose.] He needed us there, and he felt he couldn't ask it of us. He was trying to respect what you wanted. You understand that, don't you?

[He falls silent, leaning back against the wall to look at her; his hand has dropped to her back.]

Did you think about contacting him?

Of course I did!

But I was out from under his shadow for the first time. I didn't want to call him, because I knew - I would either regret going, and feel worse, or I'd start to hate him, and I'd feel worse. Why even try, when it can't go well?

Do you feel better now? [He knows she doesn't, not if he can find her crying like this.]

I felt better until I found out that apparently I hurt him.

[ And maybe they're tears of frustration as much as anything else, because she just wants to be okay. She just wants to be happy and feel like she deserves it and she never even comes close. ]

So you're both hurting, and neither of you knows how to go about fixing it. [Which is really what he figured from the start. He pulls up his knees, settling one arm loosely across them as he leans back against the walls.]

What do you need, Raven?

I told him what I need! Time away from Charles.

And I thought I was doing a good thing, by telling him that. But now every time I think about him I start crying again.

[He's no good at this, at handling their emotions. He's been trying - because he understands the flaws in their upbringing, even if his gut reaction is that they have nothing to complain about. He knows that's not true, not fair. But his point of comparison is miles from theirs.

He scratches at his jaw, reaches up to idly run a leaf between his fingers. He doesn't speak right away, doesn't let himself, because he wants to shake them both.]

Why?

[ She shoots him an exasperated look. ]

Because I love him.

[Exasperation is the perfect feeling. He's tired of dancing around this, so he pulls his arm away from her and lets out a breath through his nose.]

And he loves you. So both of you can stop being ridiculous about whether or not you've hurt one another, now. Stay away from him, find your feet without him. It's a good thing, Raven; crying over it isn't. [And he's frustrated with her, for being upset. Frustrated both of them for making the relationship they had so sour. He never had something like it, and wouldn't see it squandered in two of the people he cares about most. It's unfair, it's not his business, and he knows it.]

That's what Ivy said too.