permutates | video . 9th transformation

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barge did a thing

video . 9th transformation

[ private to anya, earlier ]

I heard that you were Magneto's daughter.

I guess I think you should know that I know.

[ public, later ]

[ The camera shows the teaching annexe, swings past a few doors and settles on a stretch of wall where - well, there's a door. And beyond is a place where something should probably be. Should definitely be, for anyone who knows the location of the ice rink. Instead, there's a block of blank concrete, behind the open door. ]

The rink is gone.

[ She's heard the voices, over the speakers. She sounds shaky. ]

What's happening?

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Good.

[Even if he still wishes you'd wear something at least slightly bulletproof. :|]

...Charles?

[ She doesn't know what she wants to say. But she does want to say something. Something that's not about mittens and sweaters with three arms. Or bulletproofing. ]

I'm really - good. I can do a lot, now. There's more to my powers than I thought there was.

Anya and I talked. And we...

This place is the opposite of everything I thought.

What did you think it was?

[And there's sort of a weird stoniness to his voice that isn't exactly normal, but he does want an answer.]

I thought it would make people more like you were.

And I thought it was just supposed to change inmates.

I told you the day you arrived that that wasn't true.

Well.

I wasn't ... listening.

[ She's listening now. Or at least trying to. ]

[He lets out a sigh, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing them over his eyes, then his forehead before dropping them again.]

Well, I'm glad you've realized I wasn't lying.

I didn't think you were lying. I just - [ didn't trust you. ] - ...wasn't listening.

I wish we'd explored our powers more. Together.

[ She wishes she hadn't been so afraid of his, so hateful of hers. She had to become someone, define her own boundaries, before she could even consider letting someone else inside them. But still there were early days when she'd let him talk in her mind all the time, and she'd tried to stretch and see how tall she could get - what happened to them? ]

My powers aren't something most people are comfortable just playing around with.

[It's sort of him forgiving her, even if there's a sort of uncharacteristically bitter edge to it. His powers have been a liability before. He'd relied on them so heavily that he hadn't been able to defend himself without them, and if he hadn't been a telepath, it's likely the Overlook wouldn't have targeted him so badly.

Then again, it was only because of them that he'd been able to keep Morgana safe, and they were the only reason he'd survived Mozenrath's attack.]

I'm not most people.

I shouldn't be most people.

[ She still wishes she had been different, that she could just have rewritten herself to be the friend Charles deserved.

In a small voice: ] I still don't think I'm good enough for you.

Here, I think I could be. Sometimes.

Well, [He tries to control his voice, make this less of an accusation and more of a polite request.] I am glad you believe me, finally. I wish I was lying about this place, Raven, and it hurt to think you didn't believe me that it was dangerous, or didn't care about- [He doesn't want to say it.] What it's done to me.

[Because he knows he's different, in good ways and bad. But he still wishes it hadn't come at such a cost.]

But honestly, I don't want you to be anything you don't want to be. I don't. You deserve to be your own person, and you don't have to try and mold yourself to be something you're not. You're my sister, and I'm always going to love you. You don't have to worry about being good enough for me, or anyone. I'd just appreciate... more understanding.

What it's done to you?

Charles. I don't want to try to undo what it's done. If it hadn't - what if we never got another chance?

[ What if they'd just - parted ways forever? ]

You've told me things that hurt. But you've also said things I've wanted to hear for so long.

[Charles looks sort of shocked, and barks out a laugh that's a little bit hysterical, because this is his breaking point.] Raven, we can't undo what it's done. It's done. I'm never going to be the person I was before I came here, and I'll be the first to admit that's probably a good thing in a lot of ways. But you don't understand what it cost to get me here. [Because she apparently wasn't listening, and it's that and his frustration and anger and nerves about what the hell is happening to the Barge that lets this all boil over.]

I told you about the Vanquish. The Barge had crashed, and these... creatures grabbed me, threw me into the back of a truck and dragged me into a facility where they used me as a lab rat for drug testing. Hallucinogens, neurotoxins, I honestly don't even know what else. They beat us, tortured us, they refused to give us food or water, and I didn't have my telepathy, I couldn't walk- [His voice breaks, and he puts his hands to the bridge of his nose, taking a breath.] I was there for four days, and I had no idea if I'd ever get out again. I saw them drag one of my friends up by her broken arm to take her away for more torture - I had no idea where they were taking her or if I'd ever see her alive again.

[He has to stop for a moment, voice cracking again, and he takes a slow breath, trying to gather himself enough to just get through this.] Erik found out that I'd been taken, and he risked everything to come find me. Just so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone, because he knew he couldn't get me out. He volunteered himself to go through some of the torture just so I wouldn't have to, because- because he didn't think I'd survive going through more sessions.

[He swallows thickly, blinking rapidly, trying not to draw up the memories.]

The Admiral said that anyone who wasn't back on board by the time repairs were completed would be abandoned there. Erik was willing to risk living through hell again just because I'd been taken, and he might have died there just because I couldn't escape myself. I've never been able to forgive myself for that.

[Never, and he still has nightmares about it, where he's forced to relive watching them lead Erik away while he screams uselessly from the floor, unable to follow or stop them, unable to do anything as Morgana was literally ripped away from his grasp. It's never going to go away, he can never go back to a time where he doesn't remember what it was like to be beaten, starved and tortured.

Another breath, and another long pause before he continues, looking somewhere vaguely off screen instead of at Raven.]

It made me realize how vulnerable I was. Once we got back, I was so depressed, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat and I was terrified all the time about what might happen next time we were trapped somewhere. I learned how to protect myself, but it got worse after we stopped at the Overlook. I felt Erik die-

[And that's his limit, he can't talk about the rest of it, not right now, maybe not ever.

He takes a long, shuddering breath, and rubs his hands over his eyes. They're a little wet, and he's embarrassed and frustrated with himself, because he should be better than this. It's been a year, and he hates that it still has this much sway over him, that he's never going to be able to forget about it, or move on to the point of where it's just a distant, unpleasant memory. Those images are always going to be fresh and awful and lurking just beneath the surface, and he hates it.

It's a long while before he can start talking again.]

Things are better. I know that. It's a good thing I know how to fight and how to be prepared for a crisis, and that I know my telepathy isn't always going to get me out of a dangerous situation, and beyond that I've matured and realized what an idiot I was to treat you the way I did, even if I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. But don't... tell me that I'm better off because I went through all of that. Don't. You have no idea what it's like to have to live with this.

[ She's listening, during all of this. Partway through, she draws her knees up to her chest (she's back in her room, at this point) and leans against the headboard, digesting all of it. Trying to figure out what she wants to do next. She keeps coming to the same answer, and it frightens her.

She doesn't cry this time. Maybe she's cried herself out on this Barge. Maybe she's remaking herself into something that doesn't need tears. But it's resolve that rises inside her, not grief. ]

Show me.

[ Her voice is small on the first word and stronger on the second, out of balance. Her throat is dry. Heart pounding. She repeats: ] Come here and show me.

Pain shared is pain halved, right?

[ She means it. She means telepathy. ]

Not with this, Raven. [It's quiet, apologetic, because he doesn't want to revisit this in that kind of detail. It's hard enough sometimes to cope with it when things get stressful and dangerous, and he can feel the unsteady hum of tension and fear and frustration amongst the people on board. It's unsettling, and it sets him on edge.]

I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to see that.

I don't have to. I could walk away from you again.

But I'm not. I won't.

And I'm really glad to hear that Raven, honestly. But sharing this wouldn't be a one way street, and I don't like revisiting those memories unless I have to.

Charles. I didn't mean show me everything. I meant show me how you feel.

It isn't that simple. They're connected, there's no real getting around that.

I'm right across the hall. Come over here and talk to me.

Fine.

[And there is a knock on your door!]

[ Hello Charles, you are getting unceremoniously frogmarched over to the sofa in Raven's room, nudged back, and yes, now she is tucking herself in underneath your arm, leaning back against you. ]

Okay. Now you can say what you were saying.

Or read my mind, if you want to. [ The last is a tentative but real offer. ]

[Charles is stiff and reluctant at first, mostly because he's confused and hurting and not entirely certain where this is going, but even though he freezes for a second or two when she leans on him, he melts into it quickly.

He's missed this. A lot. And while there's a part of him that's wondering if this is just her attempt at making him happy, of convincing him that she wants to be the friend she thinks he wants her to be, he can't help it. He actually sort of wants to lean on her.]

Do you want me to?

[ She doesn't know where it's going, either. But for the first time in a long time, she has some faith in her own ability to handle the outcome. Whatever the outcome is.

She is silent at his question, and then she nods, leaning her head sideways back on him.

Her mind is different than it used to be. Once, it was volatile as a volcano, but it was bursts of desperate happiness, enthusiasm, held in check by fear. Now, it has boundaries, slim and permeable and tough like a membrane. But she lets him inside.

The surface of her thoughts is a sort of controlled chaos, like a school of fish scattering in different directions, twitched this way and that by currents, but coming together in long and sweeping movements. She is feeling a lot of things, fear and distrust, confidence and anger, and love. She hates herself, hates her mutation, loves her mutation, is starting to believe she is really beautiful. (Her skin softly rustles to blue against his.)

I want to communicate, is the thought that she lets drift to dominance. Not truly words, but an idea, of opening to something that words have, thus far, proved painfully inadequate to satisfy. She wants to hear him, and she tugs, gently, at his mental touch. ]

[It is different - it feels like she's grown up, and he wonders briefly what it would be like for someone else to judge how his mind has changed. Erik has explained that his mental touch feels familiar and comforting to him, but he and Raven just won't be able to give him the same detailed description of his mental scape that he might be able to get from theirs.

Alright, he thinks, and he lets the tentative connection get a little stronger, although it's more like he's resting his hand on the surface of a pond, not quite breaching it or diving in. But there's contact, and it's firm and present, even if he's still respecting her boundaries. I don't know where to start.]

video . 9th transformation

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