permutates | 01st transformation . video . locks for erik & charles

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01st transformation . video . locks for erik & charles

[ She greets the barge with a smile. Her appearance is 'normal' - normal for a human. No blue skin or yellow eyes in sight. ]

Hi. [ And a little wave. She regrets it immediately. That's kind of embarrassing, isn't it? And not something that she should be doing, because she's here for a purpose. ] I'm Raven.

I heard a few of my friends were here, so I thought I'd come… help. I'm a warden.

And I'm here because I really believe that even if you're trapped, you still should have a chance to figure out who you are. I think that's important.

[ locked to Erik ]

Well, you thought I was crazy for trying, but I found you.

[ locked to Charles ]

[ She considered her approach to this for a long time. There are a lot of things that they should probably say to each other, and she's supposed to be responsible here. She can't just avoid him, as much as she wants to, while she gets her head together. ]

You should know that I'm here.

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But we could have helped you.

[He bites the inside of his cheek, refuses to let himself ask "then why didn't you come back?" because he'd needed their help after everything, and he'd missed them more than he felt like he should have. He didn't want to accuse her, didn't want to make it sound like he wanted her to stay with him even if she was unhappy, because he doesn't, and he never did, but it still hurt. It still hurts to think that Erik left him there, too, even after everything they'd gotten over and apologized for.]

Why did you decide to come? [Because changing the subject is just all around safer. B(]

Because - [ And she looks away. Because she doesn't trust him.

He told her the truth. Is it cruelty or fairness to tell him the truth back? ]

Because sometimes you swallow people up. And I didn't want that to happen to Erik.

[He looks like she just slapped him. He feels like she just slapped him, and there's some horrible, painful emotion bubbling up in his chest that he can't quite identify, but he feels like it's choking him.

When he does find his voice, it's measured, trying to hold all that emotion back even though it's threatening to explode out of him.]

I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be, and I'm sorry for what happened between us, Raven. Beyond sorry, and I wish there was something I could do to make it right. But you have no idea what we've been through, here, and I would never do anything to hurt him. The only reason we're both still sane is that we've had each other to rely on, and I can't- [His voice cracks with emotion before he cuts himself off, because he can believe it, though, but that doesn't stop the accusation from hurting, and he abruptly feels like he needs to get out of here. He desperately wants to fix things between them, but he can't do that if they get into a fight over this.]

All I want is for Erik to be safe, and happy, and off this godforsaken ship for good, but the only way that's going to happen is if he comes to his own decisions about what he wants to do. And if he never wants to change, I'm not going to try to force him into doing it, and I'm certainly not abandoning him here.

[ She watches him hurt, and she thinks good, and she thinks how can I do this to him and she thinks a lot of other things, and she's glad Charles isn't in her mind, because he probably couldn't make sense of this either. ]

I'm sorry. [ It's whispered, and her shoulders are a little hunched, and she feels small. Her eyes have slipped to yellow, she realizes, when she blinks.

She doesn't even know what she's apologizing for. Saying it? Feeling that way? Hating him for something he did because he loved her? ]

[He wants to walk over to the bed, sit down next to her and hug her tightly, reassure her that he was the one who was sorry, he was the one who had done everything wrong, that he wasn't angry. But he is, even though he can recognize that it's coming from a place of hurt more than anything else.

He wonders if he should just leave.]

I don't... [He takes a breath, runs a hand through his hair.] I understand why you're upset with me. I do. But I don't understand what I've done that makes you think I'm some sort of manipulative monster.

[ She shakes her head. ]

That's not what I think.

[ Her voice is halting, and she isn't looking at him. ]

I think you were always trying to protect me and to love me. And that's how - that's why I always told myself that it should be okay. That I should just trust you, and there was something wrong with me for hating it.

There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to live your own life.

[He still feels gutted, but it's still from what she'd said before, that she was only here because she wanted to keep Erik safe from him, and there's a part of him - the part that liked to remind him that if he hadn't been paralyzed, if he hadn't come to the Barge, Erik wouldn't have been captured by the Vanquish trying to find him and stay with him when he was being tortured, maybe Erik wouldn't have been killed in the Overlook - that even though he knows it's not true, he feels like maybe, maybe-

None of this is your fault Erik had insisted, grabbing his arms hard enough to bruise after the fiasco with Toshiko and Megamind's fumbled attempts at explaining it away. The memory makes Charles shake himself. Things are better, and he won't let himself go down that path again.]

I do love you. I've always loved you, and I meant what I said. You're my sister, Raven. I know you hate me, but I'll always care about you. I just wish we'd talked about this more openly with each other earlier.

Then why didn't I get to?

You had friends, but it was too dangerous for me. You could find a girl in a bar and go home with her, but I couldn't have a beer. You learned so much about genetics and evolution, and I waited tables.

All I had was you. And you always had more.

Then why didn't you say anything? You honestly believe I wouldn't have supported you if you wanted to go to university, or get a different job? And I certainly don't remember putting a ban on you having any interaction with people other than me. I just wanted you to be careful. You can blame me of plenty of things, but you don't have to put words in my mouth.

[And then he chuckles, and it just sounds tired and sad.] And what friends? I didn't have friends. You were the only person I could be completely honest with until Moira showed up, and you know that. I know you don't- [He rubs at the bridge of his nose, trying to find the right way to say this without further enraging her.]

My telepathy isn't something I can just completely switch off, even if I wanted to. Obviously I don't hear everything, but I've spent almost my entire life listening to some people think the worst possible thoughts about others just because they don't like the color of their skin, or what god they worship, or that they're female. Because they're different. And some of those people act on those prejudices, and that's with normal humans, not people who can lift a submarine out of the water, or set things on fire just by snapping their fingers. And just because those people are in the minority doesn't mean they can't do a substantial amount of damage.

I was afraid if you lost control and I wasn't there that someone would hurt you, maybe even kill you, and I couldn't bare to lose you like that. But I never meant to make it seem like you were forbidden from having other friends, or doing what you wanted to with your life.

[He shifts uncomfortably, not sure if she's even going to care about the explanation, or just accuse him of further trampling her.] It's better here, but you might be happy to know that the tables have sort of turned. People like you and Erik and Alex can fit in because it's obvious when they're using their abilities and when they're not, but there are and probably always will be a majority of people who aren't comfortable with or downright loathe telepaths. No one trusts you when they find out you're capable of that.

[He tries not to linger on that point, because she never had. Maybe things would have been easier for them if they did.

He stares at the floor again, because it's easier than looking at her.]

People hate me for what I can do, even though I've given them no reason to beyond the fact that I'm a telepath. I've nearly been killed for it more than once, and it's exactly what I was afraid of, when I was younger. I honestly believe there will come a time where no one will have to hide or feel ashamed of themselves, and that the good will always outnumber the bad, but I know now how it feels to have people hate you for being different and it isn't something I'd wish on anyone.

It wasn't that I thought you'd try to hurt me. [ With telepathy. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, it was - ] I felt so small sometimes. I thought I'd just be swallowed up, in all that is Charles, and there wouldn't be anything left.

[ There was just so much of him, and when she was small, it was all so perfect. Like a fairy tale, and she was rescued by a prince and she became family. She had a beautiful life. And he was good, and true, and kind.

Later, she still knew he was protecting her. But it hurt anyway. ]

You seemed happy, with other people. I never was... I don't like hiding.

And I don't want you to be hurt but maybe... [ Maybe it's better that he knows how she felt, then. He could pass for human, and if anyone had suspicions, he could nudge them right out of their mind. Raven hadn't been afraid of him because he was cruel, but because she was powerless. He was rich, he was a man, he was a telepath; she isn't sure he even knows what it's like to feel powerless.

She drops what she was going to say. ]

You'll convince them. You always do.

[He isn't so sure. He's had this conversation before, and he's seen how people act, and he just knows that he probably won't. He's had more than enough time here, and he knows there's always going to be people who just hate him for being different, even if they're willing to accept other mutants.

And he can tell that there's something else she'd wanted to say, but he really doesn't want to know. Things have been bad enough as is without knowing how she's censoring herself.]

Maybe.

[ A beat of silence. Then: ]

I don't know why you think I don't blame anything on me.

Because from the sound of it, everything that's ever happened to us is my fault.

[It's the easiest way to put it, really.]

My whole life, I always blamed me. I would have said something, otherwise.

I wish you did. Say something, I mean.

[ In a very small voice, after a moment: ]

Me too.

[Again, he wants to go over to her, but he stays where he is, still not sure where they stand with each other, now. They'd both said their pieces, it had more or less been proven that they both had carried too many assumptions about each other, and now here they were.]

So, what now?

I don't know.

Do you want me to leave?

I'm sorry you got hurt.

And if you ever get hurt and don't tell me again, I will be so angry, Charles.

[He manages a small smile, resisting the urge to say that he wasn't sure she'd answered his question.] Alright.

[Which seems like the best segue he's going to get, even though he's not sure he wants to talk about this. But she needs to know, if only because she needs to be ready if it happens again.

He drops his head into his hands briefly, rubbing his forehead as he struggles to figure out how best to put this.]

This place... it isn't easy being here, Raven. There are lots of opportunities to be hurt.

Not like home, where I'm safe.

[ There's a reason she made Azazel teach her. ]

That's not what I meant. Every few weeks, the Barge "makes port" in a different world for a few days, and sometimes, both wardens and inmates are stripped of any supernatural abilities they possess without any prior warning. Not every port is dangerous, but we've been to a few that are, and you're not always guaranteed to have your abilities to fall back on to help you survive.

[He chews at his lip for a moment, wondering how likely it is that Erik will say something, or Alex, whether it comes out carefully or in the heat of the moment. He doesn't want it to be something that's shouted at her, or blurted out against anyone's will, and so long as they're laying it all out on the table... he might as well.] One in particular was especially bad. It was before my spine had been healed, and the ship crash landed on a world that inhabited by a race of hostile aliens called the Vanquish. A vast majority of people on the Barge were kidnapped and tortured, and we had no idea if the people back on the ship would be able to get us out in time. We were there for four days.

["We" meaning he was one of them, and there's a hollowness in his expression and voice that suggests he's actively trying to distance himself from what happened, and doesn't want to talk about the details. It still hurts more than he'd like to admit it does, and while he knows he's always going to have to live with it, he still doesn't want to.]

I'm not going to tell you you should go home, and I'm not telling you this because I want you to be afraid. I want you to be prepared, because God knows I wish someone had warned me about some of this before it happened.

[ A lot happens in two years. She reminds herself of this over and over, stony-faced, as he tells her.

At least he did tell her. ]

But being afraid can be useful, can't it?

[ He's always been the one that tells her about the dangers. That makes her afraid, in a twisted-up way. ]

I'm stronger than you think.

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