permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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5th transformation . spam & open video

[ spam ]

[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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Dishonest seems pretty bad to me.

I...

[ Well, why not. ]

I thought that maybe I deserved to be rescued when I was little, instead of feeling like I owed my whole life to someone else.

Worse than jail, unfortunately. There's no sentence in a mental institution, not beyond 'until you can play nicely with the other children'. And mine in particular attracted the sort of personalities that cared more about power than they did about healing.

What, blue? Or amazing?

But then you start to work out that other people get what you really want. So why shouldn't you?

I used to be angry all the time. [Every waking hour, he'd hold that anger so close to his chest. It was exhausting, but it got him through. He didn't know there was another way, then.] I thought it made me strong. It was Charles who made me realize I could be strong without it.

I owe him for that. [He keeps his eyes on her, because the rest of that is that he can owe but not be lost in the debt.]

How do you feel right now?

So they let you out when they want to.

We'll be here all day if I say all the things I feel.

I mean I think they're amazing.

[ she might be a little bit gay, okay ]

Then we'll be here all day.

You're serious.

I usually am.

I don't know, Erik. I - Where do I start?

Anywhere. Though the beginning is usually a good place. [He gives her a small, wry smile.] I spent a long time moving forward with no one to talk to. [And he's so used to that now, but...] But there were times I wished I had someone to talk to. [A pause] Or talk at.

When you are what they want you to be. [Her lip curls.] Or when you'll do what they want.

[But then she lets herself relax, and she runs her fingers through Raven's hair.]

But we're not here to talk about me.

Edited 2013-08-21 16:22 (UTC)

At the beginning.

You mean the day I woke up blue?

If that's where you want.

I don't.

I don't ever want to talk about that.

[ This, at least, is firm truth. And if that's a truth, it's a place to start. ]

When Charles rescued me, it was like a fairy tale. I was alone for... it wasn't a full year. More than six months before I met him. I don't remember exactly how long. [ She doesn't want to remember. ] I felt like the orphaned princess finding a home.

I used to imagine getting married to him. I didn't really understand what it meant, back then. I just thought it was like being with him forever.

So I stayed with him. He was the most important person in the world to me. I moved to England with him. But he... he had friends. He had girls. And I didn't have anything, and whenever I would try, he would just remind me, all the time, how dangerous it was. I worked, as a waitress, so I'd have something to do during the day, but eventually I stopped really trying. I was proud of him, really, but he was becoming so much larger than I was. So much more important. He was someone people listened to, and if I was anything, I was a footnote. To him.

[ Her voice is tighter, now. More distressed. ]

And then we found everyone. I was so glad. For the first time, it wouldn't be dangerous to have friends.

But Hank only cared as long as I was beautiful. And you were the first one who made me feel - [ She's starting to choke on the words. ] Like I deserved to be someone, me, not what I was pretending to be. You were the first one who ever made me feel that way. And you knew it, didn't you?

[He doesn't push; it's fair, and it's her choice, because he can't imagine a time when he will want to tell her about the ways he discovered he was different. Some truths can be universal.

Instead, Erik listens, silent, though something dark crosses his features by the end. Hank was wrong, Hank was horribly wrong, and it still leaves him frustrated and angry that they thought, even for a moment, that they needed to fit in with the wider world. To disappear into it.

Pressing his lips together in a tight line, Erik settles his hand on her shoulder. He has to think back, think past what he knows now to what he knew then. Thinks past understanding what it was like for Charles to understand what it was like for her. His experience was different and similar to them both, in certain ways, and it isn't difficult.]

I had an inkling. [He breathes in slowly, because this is so important to him, and she deserves better than listening to him fall into a rant.] We shouldn't have to hide. But we can't ignore what the world is like, either. I know he did what he did to protect you both, but he should have seen what was happening more clearly. He knows that.

You're capable of so much more than just fitting in with them. You're remarkable. And you were the most comfortable with your mutation by the time the training started, so while he saw to the boys--

[He made sure she had someone, too. Because he knew he'd need her when they went after Shaw.] Someone had to make sure you had the same opportunity.

[A beat] And you are beautiful, Raven, whatever Hank has to say. You're beautiful just the way you are.

Maybe someday I'll believe that.

[ She doesn't, yet. But she's pushing. She's trying. ]

And now he thinks I didn't care, that I just left him and that I hate him, and I can't believe that if he hurt that much he never tried to seek me out. He never tried to use Cerebro and find me. And when I tell him I love him, he doesn't even hear it.

I don't know who I want to be, much less who I am, and I can't learn that when I'm so close to him. He doesn't understand how - much he is. How smart, and how powerful. And how that changes me, even if I don't want it to.

And when he hurts so much, it starts to feel like maybe it's just my fault, and I should just shut up and be the sister he wants.

I don't mind talking about you.

[ Talking about herself is just depressing. ]

[She's picking up on that. But her own life isn't a cheery subject either.]

We don't have to talk about anything. I know you came here for the peace and quiet.

I came here thinking I might see you, actually.

[ A sniffle, and a little half-laugh. ] The crying was from something else, though.

You should never shut up and be what anyone wants you to be. [There's some heat there, and he shifts a little so he can catch her eye. She must know that's not what anyone wants, though now he wonders.]

Needing to sort yourself out isn't a crime, and you're not guilty for wanting it. Raven, he's not your prince. Forever isn't a reality. And he doesn't have the power - or the desire - to make you disappear. No one does.

[He has to pause, muster himself, because even now, almost two years later, after Charles forgiving him at every turn, he feels the guilt.]

We left him there injured. Paralyzed. [It's in his voice; he blames himself.] You wanted to come with me. What would you have done, if he'd asked you to stay? If he'd rebuilt Cerebro and hunted you down after you told him you wanted to go?

[Dryly:] Well, I'm glad it wasn't from the thought of my company.

[But then she calms, looking across at Raven. She wouldn't have left it hanging open like that if she didn't want Ivy to pry.]

What was it?

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