permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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5th transformation . spam & open video

[ spam ]

[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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I usually am.

I don't know, Erik. I - Where do I start?

Anywhere. Though the beginning is usually a good place. [He gives her a small, wry smile.] I spent a long time moving forward with no one to talk to. [And he's so used to that now, but...] But there were times I wished I had someone to talk to. [A pause] Or talk at.

At the beginning.

You mean the day I woke up blue?

If that's where you want.

I don't.

I don't ever want to talk about that.

[ This, at least, is firm truth. And if that's a truth, it's a place to start. ]

When Charles rescued me, it was like a fairy tale. I was alone for... it wasn't a full year. More than six months before I met him. I don't remember exactly how long. [ She doesn't want to remember. ] I felt like the orphaned princess finding a home.

I used to imagine getting married to him. I didn't really understand what it meant, back then. I just thought it was like being with him forever.

So I stayed with him. He was the most important person in the world to me. I moved to England with him. But he... he had friends. He had girls. And I didn't have anything, and whenever I would try, he would just remind me, all the time, how dangerous it was. I worked, as a waitress, so I'd have something to do during the day, but eventually I stopped really trying. I was proud of him, really, but he was becoming so much larger than I was. So much more important. He was someone people listened to, and if I was anything, I was a footnote. To him.

[ Her voice is tighter, now. More distressed. ]

And then we found everyone. I was so glad. For the first time, it wouldn't be dangerous to have friends.

But Hank only cared as long as I was beautiful. And you were the first one who made me feel - [ She's starting to choke on the words. ] Like I deserved to be someone, me, not what I was pretending to be. You were the first one who ever made me feel that way. And you knew it, didn't you?

[He doesn't push; it's fair, and it's her choice, because he can't imagine a time when he will want to tell her about the ways he discovered he was different. Some truths can be universal.

Instead, Erik listens, silent, though something dark crosses his features by the end. Hank was wrong, Hank was horribly wrong, and it still leaves him frustrated and angry that they thought, even for a moment, that they needed to fit in with the wider world. To disappear into it.

Pressing his lips together in a tight line, Erik settles his hand on her shoulder. He has to think back, think past what he knows now to what he knew then. Thinks past understanding what it was like for Charles to understand what it was like for her. His experience was different and similar to them both, in certain ways, and it isn't difficult.]

I had an inkling. [He breathes in slowly, because this is so important to him, and she deserves better than listening to him fall into a rant.] We shouldn't have to hide. But we can't ignore what the world is like, either. I know he did what he did to protect you both, but he should have seen what was happening more clearly. He knows that.

You're capable of so much more than just fitting in with them. You're remarkable. And you were the most comfortable with your mutation by the time the training started, so while he saw to the boys--

[He made sure she had someone, too. Because he knew he'd need her when they went after Shaw.] Someone had to make sure you had the same opportunity.

[A beat] And you are beautiful, Raven, whatever Hank has to say. You're beautiful just the way you are.

Maybe someday I'll believe that.

[ She doesn't, yet. But she's pushing. She's trying. ]

And now he thinks I didn't care, that I just left him and that I hate him, and I can't believe that if he hurt that much he never tried to seek me out. He never tried to use Cerebro and find me. And when I tell him I love him, he doesn't even hear it.

I don't know who I want to be, much less who I am, and I can't learn that when I'm so close to him. He doesn't understand how - much he is. How smart, and how powerful. And how that changes me, even if I don't want it to.

And when he hurts so much, it starts to feel like maybe it's just my fault, and I should just shut up and be the sister he wants.

You should never shut up and be what anyone wants you to be. [There's some heat there, and he shifts a little so he can catch her eye. She must know that's not what anyone wants, though now he wonders.]

Needing to sort yourself out isn't a crime, and you're not guilty for wanting it. Raven, he's not your prince. Forever isn't a reality. And he doesn't have the power - or the desire - to make you disappear. No one does.

[He has to pause, muster himself, because even now, almost two years later, after Charles forgiving him at every turn, he feels the guilt.]

We left him there injured. Paralyzed. [It's in his voice; he blames himself.] You wanted to come with me. What would you have done, if he'd asked you to stay? If he'd rebuilt Cerebro and hunted you down after you told him you wanted to go?

I know he's not. But when I'm near him -

[ She stops. ]

Hunted me down? That's not what I meant. I meant talking to me. If he needed me, really, then he could have found a way.

He needed the people who walked away from him. [For a moment, his jaw locks, then he exhales slowly through his nose.] He needed us there, and he felt he couldn't ask it of us. He was trying to respect what you wanted. You understand that, don't you?

[He falls silent, leaning back against the wall to look at her; his hand has dropped to her back.]

Did you think about contacting him?

Of course I did!

But I was out from under his shadow for the first time. I didn't want to call him, because I knew - I would either regret going, and feel worse, or I'd start to hate him, and I'd feel worse. Why even try, when it can't go well?

Do you feel better now? [He knows she doesn't, not if he can find her crying like this.]

I felt better until I found out that apparently I hurt him.

[ And maybe they're tears of frustration as much as anything else, because she just wants to be okay. She just wants to be happy and feel like she deserves it and she never even comes close. ]

So you're both hurting, and neither of you knows how to go about fixing it. [Which is really what he figured from the start. He pulls up his knees, settling one arm loosely across them as he leans back against the walls.]

What do you need, Raven?

I told him what I need! Time away from Charles.

And I thought I was doing a good thing, by telling him that. But now every time I think about him I start crying again.

[He's no good at this, at handling their emotions. He's been trying - because he understands the flaws in their upbringing, even if his gut reaction is that they have nothing to complain about. He knows that's not true, not fair. But his point of comparison is miles from theirs.

He scratches at his jaw, reaches up to idly run a leaf between his fingers. He doesn't speak right away, doesn't let himself, because he wants to shake them both.]

Why?

[ She shoots him an exasperated look. ]

Because I love him.

[Exasperation is the perfect feeling. He's tired of dancing around this, so he pulls his arm away from her and lets out a breath through his nose.]

And he loves you. So both of you can stop being ridiculous about whether or not you've hurt one another, now. Stay away from him, find your feet without him. It's a good thing, Raven; crying over it isn't. [And he's frustrated with her, for being upset. Frustrated both of them for making the relationship they had so sour. He never had something like it, and wouldn't see it squandered in two of the people he cares about most. It's unfair, it's not his business, and he knows it.]

That's what Ivy said too.

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