permutates | 5th transformation . spam & open video

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5th transformation . spam & open video

[ spam ]

[ She's been working herself hard. Maybe too hard: she spends hours a day in the gym, sometimes as many as eight when she's not sleeping. She's read books on how to get in shape quickly and safely - more or less - and she's pushing herself as far as she can go. Trying to find her limits.

Today, she can also be found coming out of the CTS with Kelsier, bruised and mussed and a little bloody, and grinning ear to ear. If you're trying to impress me, it's working, he tells her, and she kisses him on the cheek and flushes bluer and makes her way to the Infirmary to make sure she's got nothing worse than bruises.

She hasn't reached her physical limits yet, but emotional is a different story. Being a child again, with that faith in Charles, has shaken her. Her conversation with Charles before that shook her. And sometimes, even when she's feeling fine - maybe when she's feeling the most fine, paradoxically - she starts crying. And sometimes she can't stop. Tucking herself into a corner of the gardens and trying to muffle the sounds of it so no one catches her at it. It's embarrassing, and she can always eventually manage to pull herself together and make it back to her room. ]

[ video ; open ]

[ Raven is blue, with red hair, not hiding. ]

What's something you've done here, for the first time? Or thought or realized, for the first time.

[ She's not sure what she's looking for. Maybe a little hope. ]

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[It doesn't sound stupid. Ivy's felt like she's been done wrong by so many people, and she wouldn't take well to being looked after by any of them when she wasn't herself.

She wraps her arm around Raven's shoulders, keeping her close.]

Of course. You were a child.

[And she doesn't know enough about their history to navigate why this might be a problem in the cold light of day.]

He used to do that all the time. Even when I grew up, he did it. He always knew best.

[ And this starts her off crying again. She told Charles she felt like a pet, and it was one of the truest things she said to him. Pets are always cute when they're young. It was never them against the world, was it? And the things Raven wanted never quite seemed to count, because what she wanted was wrong. ]

[Ivy knows this is the start of a longer story, but when the fresh wave of tears starts she knows it isn't the moment to ask. She tucks Raven's head under her chin and strokes her back soothingly, waiting for her to calm enough to keep talking, or to decide that she's done and she doesn't want to say any more.

Ivy's fallen afoul of men who knew best. She's confident that Charles will never fit into the same category of man as Woodrue, but she knows well enough what it's like to feel you've been loved and then disposed of.]

I'm such a mess.

Everyone's a mess, Mystique. [She kisses the top of Raven's head lightly, thoughtlessly.] The only difference is how you use your damage.

I think it uses me more than I use it.

Take this from someone who's lived half her adult life in an asylum: if you're even aware of that, it puts you ahead of the pack.

[ A little, sad laugh, at that. ]

I didn't know that about you.

I don't know much about asylums.

There's not much to know.

[She stretches a little, briefly loosening her hold on Raven, making sure she still seems comfortable with it before replacing her hand.]

When I first became what I am, I...I did some things I'm not proud of. I was declared insane at trial. That spared me the death penalty, and jail. The asylum was how they chose to dispose of me instead.

Edited 2013-08-20 08:52 (UTC)

[ She's comfortable. She's not going anywhere. ]

I'm not sure how much better that is.

I mean, better than jail. Obviously it's better than dying.

[ What is she saying ]

Worse than jail, unfortunately. There's no sentence in a mental institution, not beyond 'until you can play nicely with the other children'. And mine in particular attracted the sort of personalities that cared more about power than they did about healing.

So they let you out when they want to.

When you are what they want you to be. [Her lip curls.] Or when you'll do what they want.

[But then she lets herself relax, and she runs her fingers through Raven's hair.]

But we're not here to talk about me.

Edited 2013-08-21 16:22 (UTC)

I don't mind talking about you.

[ Talking about herself is just depressing. ]

[She's picking up on that. But her own life isn't a cheery subject either.]

We don't have to talk about anything. I know you came here for the peace and quiet.

I came here thinking I might see you, actually.

[ A sniffle, and a little half-laugh. ] The crying was from something else, though.

[Dryly:] Well, I'm glad it wasn't from the thought of my company.

[But then she calms, looking across at Raven. She wouldn't have left it hanging open like that if she didn't want Ivy to pry.]

What was it?

Charles.

Taking care of you. Always knowing best.

Though maybe that's been going on a little too long.

A lot too long.

It's my fault.

What makes it your fault?

It has to be, doesn't it? If so many people think I'm just abandoning Charles when he needs me.

[ She half believes this and hates herself for it, and half is so angry about it she can barely speak. ]

You've depended on him so long that he's come to depend on you in return, and now you've found it in yourself to step away, he's stumbling. Eventually he'll adjust, and either you'll choose to reconcile with him on your own terms, or you won't and he'll have learned to stand alone.

At best, neither of you are to blame; at worst, you both are. But tell me why it's useful to apportion blame at all.

I... don't know.

[ The simple, clear way that Ivy puts it is strange. It has Raven thinking about it from a new angle. ]

I don't know about useful. But he hurts so much that it makes me think I should just stop, and be what he wants instead.

[She wonders how much of this is Charles genuinely wanting to mould her into something specific and how much of it is Raven misinterpreting his motives. But it doesn't really matter for the purposes of this conversation.]

That'll work for now. But in six months, one year, two - you'll resent him. He'll feel guilty. He'll push you away because he'll think it's what you need. You'll feel rejected and he'll feel like his influence on you is toxic. That kind of hurt is a lot more complicated.

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