permutates | 01st transformation . video . locks for erik & charles

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01st transformation . video . locks for erik & charles

[ She greets the barge with a smile. Her appearance is 'normal' - normal for a human. No blue skin or yellow eyes in sight. ]

Hi. [ And a little wave. She regrets it immediately. That's kind of embarrassing, isn't it? And not something that she should be doing, because she's here for a purpose. ] I'm Raven.

I heard a few of my friends were here, so I thought I'd come… help. I'm a warden.

And I'm here because I really believe that even if you're trapped, you still should have a chance to figure out who you are. I think that's important.

[ locked to Erik ]

Well, you thought I was crazy for trying, but I found you.

[ locked to Charles ]

[ She considered her approach to this for a long time. There are a lot of things that they should probably say to each other, and she's supposed to be responsible here. She can't just avoid him, as much as she wants to, while she gets her head together. ]

You should know that I'm here.

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[It's more like the worst possible place for Charles, and he tries not to look too uncomfortable or pained. He's still torn between being honest and glossing over the painful things, but again he's reminded that he'd rather have control over when she found out. He's still got the scars, he's still got the wheelchairs, and those could be hidden, but he couldn't stop himself from blurting it out during a flood.

He finally sighs and gestures to a chair.]

May I sit down?

Yeah.

[ There's a table with a couple of chairs. By the window, there are two armchairs. There's also a bed.

She doesn't indicate which he should pick. ]

[He picks one of the chairs at the table, although he pulls it out so that when he sits, he can balance his elbows on his thighs and clasp his hands in front of him. He doesn't really look up at her for a long moment, and stays focused on a patch of floor when he does take a deep breath and just. Attempt to start telling the truth.]

After I was shot, [And now there's no turning back, even though he wishes he could come up with something else to say.] I was taken back to an American hospital, where they told me the bullet had partially severed my spinal chord, and I'd never walk again. [And he can still remember the desperation that had come along with the announcement, even though he'd known how unlikely it was for him to ever regain feeling after he'd realized what happened.]

It took a long time to recover and learn how to live my life again, [Months, really, full of severe depression and bruises and scrapes from slipping and just forgetting that he couldn't really feel anything below his waist anymore.] But I didn't want it to be permanent. The Admiral offered me a chance to change it, and I took it.

Erik and I arrived on the same day. I didn't know that he'd be here, and I hadn't seen him since... since you both left. [He's not judging, he'd told her she should go, because he knew asking them to stay would have made things worse for everyone.] We've been here ever since. One of the other wardens was able to fix the damage to my spine after I'd been here for about nine months, and I changed my deal to something else.

[ She doesn't register it, for a long moment. He just says it, and it didn't even occur to her - she didn't think - why would he have told them to go if he was seriously injured? That means he wasn't seriously injured. It couldn't have been the bullet on the shore in Cuba.

Could it?

And it clicks, suddenly and horribly, and she sits down hard on the edge of the bed. ]

[He doesn't look up, but he hears it, and he wants to reach out to her, brush his mind against hers and reassure her that it was alright. But he doesn't, because he'd promised her he wouldn't.]

I'd rather you hear it from me than someone else. [He sounds tired and resigned, because he feels terrible, but. It's behind him. It's behind all of them.]

[ He told her the truth.

That's something, anyway. The truth, even though it hurt. ]

Why did you let us go?

[ They could have helped. ]

[That's something he's never been asked before, and he looks up finally, staring at her and remembering what it had been like on the beach. It was hard to believe he hadn't seen her since then.]

Neither one of you wanted to stay. I didn't want you to just because you felt guilty.

[You're not the only one who felt like they weren't needed or loved.]

We didn't have to leave right then! Azazel could have taken you anywhere. He would have.

[ Especially knowing Shaw's attitude towards mutants - all mutants, whether they fight him or not. ]

[Don't talk about Shaw. B(]

Raven, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm not angry with you about it.

But we could have helped you.

[He bites the inside of his cheek, refuses to let himself ask "then why didn't you come back?" because he'd needed their help after everything, and he'd missed them more than he felt like he should have. He didn't want to accuse her, didn't want to make it sound like he wanted her to stay with him even if she was unhappy, because he doesn't, and he never did, but it still hurt. It still hurts to think that Erik left him there, too, even after everything they'd gotten over and apologized for.]

Why did you decide to come? [Because changing the subject is just all around safer. B(]

Because - [ And she looks away. Because she doesn't trust him.

He told her the truth. Is it cruelty or fairness to tell him the truth back? ]

Because sometimes you swallow people up. And I didn't want that to happen to Erik.

[He looks like she just slapped him. He feels like she just slapped him, and there's some horrible, painful emotion bubbling up in his chest that he can't quite identify, but he feels like it's choking him.

When he does find his voice, it's measured, trying to hold all that emotion back even though it's threatening to explode out of him.]

I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be, and I'm sorry for what happened between us, Raven. Beyond sorry, and I wish there was something I could do to make it right. But you have no idea what we've been through, here, and I would never do anything to hurt him. The only reason we're both still sane is that we've had each other to rely on, and I can't- [His voice cracks with emotion before he cuts himself off, because he can believe it, though, but that doesn't stop the accusation from hurting, and he abruptly feels like he needs to get out of here. He desperately wants to fix things between them, but he can't do that if they get into a fight over this.]

All I want is for Erik to be safe, and happy, and off this godforsaken ship for good, but the only way that's going to happen is if he comes to his own decisions about what he wants to do. And if he never wants to change, I'm not going to try to force him into doing it, and I'm certainly not abandoning him here.

[ She watches him hurt, and she thinks good, and she thinks how can I do this to him and she thinks a lot of other things, and she's glad Charles isn't in her mind, because he probably couldn't make sense of this either. ]

I'm sorry. [ It's whispered, and her shoulders are a little hunched, and she feels small. Her eyes have slipped to yellow, she realizes, when she blinks.

She doesn't even know what she's apologizing for. Saying it? Feeling that way? Hating him for something he did because he loved her? ]

[He wants to walk over to the bed, sit down next to her and hug her tightly, reassure her that he was the one who was sorry, he was the one who had done everything wrong, that he wasn't angry. But he is, even though he can recognize that it's coming from a place of hurt more than anything else.

He wonders if he should just leave.]

I don't... [He takes a breath, runs a hand through his hair.] I understand why you're upset with me. I do. But I don't understand what I've done that makes you think I'm some sort of manipulative monster.

[ She shakes her head. ]

That's not what I think.

[ Her voice is halting, and she isn't looking at him. ]

I think you were always trying to protect me and to love me. And that's how - that's why I always told myself that it should be okay. That I should just trust you, and there was something wrong with me for hating it.

There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to live your own life.

[He still feels gutted, but it's still from what she'd said before, that she was only here because she wanted to keep Erik safe from him, and there's a part of him - the part that liked to remind him that if he hadn't been paralyzed, if he hadn't come to the Barge, Erik wouldn't have been captured by the Vanquish trying to find him and stay with him when he was being tortured, maybe Erik wouldn't have been killed in the Overlook - that even though he knows it's not true, he feels like maybe, maybe-

None of this is your fault Erik had insisted, grabbing his arms hard enough to bruise after the fiasco with Toshiko and Megamind's fumbled attempts at explaining it away. The memory makes Charles shake himself. Things are better, and he won't let himself go down that path again.]

I do love you. I've always loved you, and I meant what I said. You're my sister, Raven. I know you hate me, but I'll always care about you. I just wish we'd talked about this more openly with each other earlier.

Then why didn't I get to?

You had friends, but it was too dangerous for me. You could find a girl in a bar and go home with her, but I couldn't have a beer. You learned so much about genetics and evolution, and I waited tables.

All I had was you. And you always had more.

Then why didn't you say anything? You honestly believe I wouldn't have supported you if you wanted to go to university, or get a different job? And I certainly don't remember putting a ban on you having any interaction with people other than me. I just wanted you to be careful. You can blame me of plenty of things, but you don't have to put words in my mouth.

[And then he chuckles, and it just sounds tired and sad.] And what friends? I didn't have friends. You were the only person I could be completely honest with until Moira showed up, and you know that. I know you don't- [He rubs at the bridge of his nose, trying to find the right way to say this without further enraging her.]

My telepathy isn't something I can just completely switch off, even if I wanted to. Obviously I don't hear everything, but I've spent almost my entire life listening to some people think the worst possible thoughts about others just because they don't like the color of their skin, or what god they worship, or that they're female. Because they're different. And some of those people act on those prejudices, and that's with normal humans, not people who can lift a submarine out of the water, or set things on fire just by snapping their fingers. And just because those people are in the minority doesn't mean they can't do a substantial amount of damage.

I was afraid if you lost control and I wasn't there that someone would hurt you, maybe even kill you, and I couldn't bare to lose you like that. But I never meant to make it seem like you were forbidden from having other friends, or doing what you wanted to with your life.

[He shifts uncomfortably, not sure if she's even going to care about the explanation, or just accuse him of further trampling her.] It's better here, but you might be happy to know that the tables have sort of turned. People like you and Erik and Alex can fit in because it's obvious when they're using their abilities and when they're not, but there are and probably always will be a majority of people who aren't comfortable with or downright loathe telepaths. No one trusts you when they find out you're capable of that.

[He tries not to linger on that point, because she never had. Maybe things would have been easier for them if they did.

He stares at the floor again, because it's easier than looking at her.]

People hate me for what I can do, even though I've given them no reason to beyond the fact that I'm a telepath. I've nearly been killed for it more than once, and it's exactly what I was afraid of, when I was younger. I honestly believe there will come a time where no one will have to hide or feel ashamed of themselves, and that the good will always outnumber the bad, but I know now how it feels to have people hate you for being different and it isn't something I'd wish on anyone.

It wasn't that I thought you'd try to hurt me. [ With telepathy. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, it was - ] I felt so small sometimes. I thought I'd just be swallowed up, in all that is Charles, and there wouldn't be anything left.

[ There was just so much of him, and when she was small, it was all so perfect. Like a fairy tale, and she was rescued by a prince and she became family. She had a beautiful life. And he was good, and true, and kind.

Later, she still knew he was protecting her. But it hurt anyway. ]

You seemed happy, with other people. I never was... I don't like hiding.

And I don't want you to be hurt but maybe... [ Maybe it's better that he knows how she felt, then. He could pass for human, and if anyone had suspicions, he could nudge them right out of their mind. Raven hadn't been afraid of him because he was cruel, but because she was powerless. He was rich, he was a man, he was a telepath; she isn't sure he even knows what it's like to feel powerless.

She drops what she was going to say. ]

You'll convince them. You always do.

[He isn't so sure. He's had this conversation before, and he's seen how people act, and he just knows that he probably won't. He's had more than enough time here, and he knows there's always going to be people who just hate him for being different, even if they're willing to accept other mutants.

And he can tell that there's something else she'd wanted to say, but he really doesn't want to know. Things have been bad enough as is without knowing how she's censoring herself.]

Maybe.

[ A beat of silence. Then: ]

I don't know why you think I don't blame anything on me.

Because from the sound of it, everything that's ever happened to us is my fault.

[It's the easiest way to put it, really.]

My whole life, I always blamed me. I would have said something, otherwise.

I wish you did. Say something, I mean.

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